Harry Potter and his Incredible Performing Jarvey
by drwritermom
Summary: When Harry Potter's seemingly idyllic relationship with the fiery Ginevra Weasley ends in public humiliation, Severus Snape sends another feisty Ginger to mend his broken heart. Lots of bonking occurs, of the heterosexual, slash, and Jarvey varieties.


Summary:

When Harry Potter's seemingly idyllic relationship with the fiery Ginevra Weasley ends in public humiliation, Severus Snape sends another feisty Ginger to mend his broken heart. Lots of bonking occurs, of the heterosexual, slash, and Jarvey varieties.  
Notes:

I doubt J. K. Rowling ever envisioned this parody when she penned her book series. I only tease out of love, and because I need an outlet for my socially inappropriate humor. No money has changed hands here. And I solemnly swear no substances were abused to create this work. Honest!  
(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Welcome, dear listeners, to this week's installment of Wizarding Story Hour. Tonight, we tell the story of Harry Potter and his incredible performing Jarvey, Queenie Bee.

Our story begins with an ancient race of beings known as the D'ni. Not much is known about them, other than what was chronicled in the Muggle video game, Myst. The game was released in 1993, and featured a D'ni man named Atrus, the Ages he created, and his two despicable sons, Sirrus and Achenar, who ran roughshod over those Ages.

Atrus wrote books that created civilizations called Ages in pre-existing worlds, matching the physical descriptions that Atrus provided. As he described an Age in finer detail, the choice of the world selected for said Age would narrow, until a world with all the characteristics (dominant sentient beings, geography, flora, fauna, and climates) was selected. The Age's inhabitants would then evolve as per Atrus's Age design. He was able to visit the Age he created after placing a linking page in the finished book.

Humans thought this game was just that, a game. It was actually a confession. Many D'ni writers had impacted Earth history, for good and for evil, with their Ages - Leonardo da Vinci, Genghis Khan, Adolph Hitler, Steve Jobs, to name a few. Our story involves the Age of a very well known author indeed, J. K. Rowling, and her Hogwarts Age.

The story of Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore and the defeat of Voldemort unfolded very nearly as the Age had been written, except that the events were set in motion after the first book was released, in 1997. Harry Potter, the REAL Harry Potter, was born in 1997.

The factual, real-time story diverged from the books' description due to the evolution of the smart phone from the beeper technology of the late 80s and early 90s, and the rapid advancement of crime scene technology.

Keys differences in the real story of the Boy Who Lived are as follows:

Severus Snape did not like his placement in Slytherin, and had been "Dumbledore's man" from his first day at Hogwarts, when he literally begged Dumbledore to be placed "anywhere but Slytherin." He eventually became a Death Eater at Dumbledore's request.

Snape had heard of the prophecy from Dumbledore, at Hogwarts, after Trelawney's interview at the Hogshead. It was Peter Pettigrew who overheard it, and reported it Voldemort. The rat Animagus had tailed the Headmaster and followed him as he entered Aberforth Dumbledore's inn.

Snape had called the Potters, using his mobile, warning them to hide. (By 1997, cellular technology was wizard friendly). They immediately went into hiding, and Harry was born in July 31st, 1997.

The betrayal by Pettigrew unfolded as told in the books, leaving Harry an orphan on October 31, 1998.

Fast forward ten years. September 1, 2008. Potter has just been sorted to Gryffindor.

iPhones were standard issue for all incoming Hogwarts students. As Harry sat at the Gryffindor table, he received a text message from Severus Snape. "I am not pleased that you look like a clone of your father, but I am honor-bound to protect you. I must appear to be harsh with you, for the Slytherins must never know I am protecting you. Please understand I mean you no ill will. Do your part by appearing to hate me".

The rest of the story unfolded pretty much as outlined in the books, except for the following key points:

Sirius Black never died in the Department of Mysteries because Snape was able to Stupefy him before Sirius even left 12 Grimmauld Place.

Severus Snape dispatched Dumbledore's golem on the Astronomy Tower, leaving Dumbledore free to collect and destroy the inanimate Horcruxes. The withering arm, that was theatrical makeup. Albus did love his drama.

The Golden Trio of Potter, Weasley and Granger never took their camping trip.

Neville Longbottom killed Voldemort's Snake in the greenhouse when he caught it stalking the Mandrakes.

Voldemort was killed in a flash mob, in the Great Hall, at Bill Weasley's wedding rehearsal dinner, by a remote control drone operated by Harry Potter. The drone struck as Voldemort uttered the last syllable of Avada Kedavra.

Harry met his parents at King's Cross Station. They gave him the choice to go on or go back. He chose to go back, to make loads of red-haired, green-eyed babies with Ginny. "Don't count your Hippogriffs before they've hatched, Harry," were his mother's parting words before he awoke to a world without Voldemort.

And now to the Present Day.

Our Hero, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, is training to be a Healer. It is the fourth anniversary of the Death of Voldemort, and the Ministry, just aching for a party, is holding its yearly commemorative flash mob, this time in the Ministry ballroom. The previous year's flash mob, on the edge of the Forbidden Forest, was crashed by Grawp, who had thrown a huge tantrum which flattened the Whomping Willow, until Hermione agreed to a ride with him on his tricycle built for two. There would be no repeat performance of that debacle, much to the chagrin of one Ginny Weasley.

Ginny had only dated Harry to springboard her into Wizarding high society; the Weasleys were not known for their elevated social standing. He was too boring, too noble, and too celibate, wanting to wait until marriage before single-handedly repopulating the House of Potter. To Ginny, those goody two-shoe traits were as sexually appealing as Hagrid's boarhound, Fang. Ginny only stayed with Harry for the parties and fetes that he attended, and the wizards she could hook up with at these events. She was hoping to hide amongst the foliage in the Forest, grab Draco Malfoy and hop a ride on his disco stick.

Draco had initially seduced Ginny to humiliate Harry Potter, but he soon fell for the cunning Weaslette. Since beginning their association, he often wondered why the Sorting Hat placed such an obvious Slytherin in the Lion's Den. He was most pleased that his carnal pleasure would soon be Potter's pain.

Ginny waited, bored beyond her capacity to fake sincerity, until Harry was distracted by Albus Dumbledore and his Technicolor, flashing LED robes. She grabbed Draco's hand and hauled his arse into the cloak room, where she wandlessly and wordlessly banished their clothes before ravishing him.

They were rutting like minks when Harry entered the cloakroom, intent on gathering his and Ginny's cloaks and making an early exit. Albus's blinking lights had triggered a migraine, and Harry was on-call at St. Mungo's the following morning; he wanted to leave immediately. With his hand clenching Ginny's cloak, he froze when as heard her screaming "Draco" as she came. They did not see him.

In a burst of raw magic, Harry wandlessly, wordlessly Apparated the pair into the fountain in the Ministry atrium, not the Burrow, where he had intended them to land. The fountain sculptures, being sentient, adopted the universally popular "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" poses while Draco continued to "get down on it," old school, with Ginny.

Rita Skeeter had been stationed, along with a photographer and a soundman, at that very fountain, hoping to catch Ministry officials in compromising positions. She chortled with glee as she recognized the buck bare naked, copulating purebloods, and reported the event, live, via the Wizarding Wireless News. In a hilarious twist of fate, Arthur and Molly Weasley happened upon their lust-addled daughter and Malfoy in the Atrium, having arrived late to the soirée. Throwing their cloaks over the obliviously fornicating pair, they swiftly yanked them apart. Arthur could be heard hissing, "Incendio those cloaks when we get home, Mollywobbles, they're rubbish now," as they Apparated the pair to the Burrow.

While Potter's blast of wild magic propelled Ginny and Draco into instant notoriety, Severus Snape was at home, being interviewed by the Prophet's features reporter. He was one of many prominent wizards and witches who were regularly featured in the wildly popular "Where Are They Now?" series in the Daily Prophet. The WWN was playing softly in the background during the interview. Severus paused after the final question, grappling for an honest answer to, "If you could give any advice to the Boy Who Lived regarding his upcoming nuptials, what would it be?" that wasn't, "Jump, post-haste, onto your 2018 Firebolt Electra and fly as far away as you can from that money-grubbing, opportunistic, promiscuous, attention whore of a fianceé!" The soft, droning monotone of the WWN anchor was pierced by the high-pitched, nasal buzzing of Rita Skeeter. The unregistered Animagus gleefully reported the breaking story of The Boy Who Lived's betrayal by the morality-impaired Ginevra Weasley, in vivid, anatomical detail. His interview being effectively over, Severus Snape pondered the best way to help Harry Potter one last time.

Morning broke, as morning is wont to do, over Wizarding Britain. Two half-blood wizards were perusing the Daily Prophet, in two separate locations, simultaneously. Snape chuckled darkly as he scanned the picture on the front page, of the Malfoy heir and his trouser snake, being charmed by the siren song of Ginevra the Weasel and her fantastical lady bits.

Laying down the paper, he entered the Jarvey habitat adjoining the kitchen, and selected his most sleek, most sarcastic and most audaciously beautiful ginger Jarvey, just imported from Ireland, for the boy whose unintentional work of third person nude performance art had made Severus Snape crack his first genuine smile in years. He knew she would be perfect companion for the no doubt hurting, betrayed young man.

Harry had been granted a leave by St. Mungo's hospital administrators, who did not wish to embroil the hospital in a salacious sex scandal. That is why we now find him seated at the kitchen table, a cuppa in his right hand, the paper in his left. He knew the story of his betrayal, and the philanderers' bare bumping backsides, would make the front page of Daily Prophet, so he instead went straight to the back page. Staring right at him, with a rudely gesturing Jarvey atop his knee, was Severus Snape, former spy, dungeon bat, greasy git, and former juvenile Death Eater-wannabes wrangler, aka the Head of Slytherin House, Home of the Snakes (hissssssss). "Don't weasels kill snakes?" Harry queried aloud, as he continued reading.

Snape was now living in a small country manor, under Fidelius, breeding Jarveys for color, conformation, and Wizarding compatibility. He explained that, much like a wand, a Jarvey chooses its wizard, when Snape was asked how he paired wizards and familiars. "The Jarvey Chooses the Wizard" was his business slogan. He added that he also bred some Jarveys for snarking, and mentioned a competitive circuit for Jarvey verbal smack downs, and the date of the next competition. "Severus Snape could snark for England!" Harry snorted. The exact moment he finished his reading, a decorative brass cage with a brilliantly ginger, wildly magical weasel materialized upon his kitchen table.

The enclosed note, penned in Snape's distinctive handwriting, introduced her as Ginevra, Queen of Bonking, Queenie Bee for short. "I realize that your breakup was just as painful as it was unintentionally hilarious, but rest assured, this fiery little redhead only looks like the Harpy whose public horizontal mambo saved you from an expensive, embarrassing, and very painful first marriage. This Ginevra will always be loyal to you, just as all the other Weasleys have been, except, of course, for her."

Deciding the embrace the farcical nature of their breakup, Harry chose to partner with Queenie, and embark upon a new career. One day after the Prophet broke the story of the Original Weaslette Boffing Queen, Harry Potter introduced Wizarding Britain to Queenie Bee, and announced his entrance into the world of Competitive Jarvey Snarking.

Despite her namesake, Queenie Bee grew very fond of her companion wizard and, being a most clever wee beastie, had already started plotting revenge on Ginevra Molly Weasel Weasley, before she even left Snape.

The Wizarding public enthusiastically embraced Harry's career change. They unanimously supported Harry after Ginny's betrayal , and couldn't help making some choice comments about The Boy Who Lived trading in a used Weasel for a much classier model Jarvey.

Harry and Queenie Bee gleefully entered the competitive world of Jarvey Snark, competing in any open contest. They developed quite a following. They also collaborated on a family friendly routine for patients, young and old, at St. Mungo's, as well as routines for schools, orphanages, senior centers and old age homes. In the competitive arena, they were fan favorites and quickly rose through the ranks, ultimately making it to the national level.

They had finally made it to the finals of the Jarvey National Smackdownapalooza, where the nation's sixteen best smack-talking Jarveys were pitted against each other. It was down to Severus Snape, and Harry, and their familiars, Ginevra Queen of Boffing and Monty, Lord of the Snark. Ginny had decided to attend the finals, hoping to throw Harry off his game, humiliating him as he had humiliated her.

Harry and Queenie Bee were first. The little Jarvey fireball cracked wise on the Weaslette and the Albino Ferret in exacting anatomical detail, using Monty, Lord of the Snark as her unwitting accomplice. They mimed a lust-driven horizontal tango for all assembled. It was inspired. Queen Bee and Monty then ratted out Snape regarding his affection for Harry, with a rousing recreation of the pivotal dance number in Dirty Dancing. Queenie went flying through the air, toppling Monty flat on his arse, before landing in the general vicinity of his wedding tackle. Furious Boffing of the Jarvey variety ensued.

Snape admitted both defeat, and his undying devotion to Harry Potter, but only after Luna Lovegood's familiar, Fabio the Bodice Ripper, a rather famous Seer Jarvey, made a prediction - Ginevra Weasley would someday have a venereal disease named after her. (The ultra-rare Seer Jarvey predicts a witch's or wizard's most embarrassing moments. It does so in the most insulting manner imaginable, in front of as many witnesses as possible. These predictions always come to pass. Poor Ginny.) That is how the dreaded Wizarding malady Ginevra's Tadger Pox got its name.

After much embarrassment, blushing, and countless unauthorized Prophet exposés, Snape and Harry joined forces, breeding Jarveys, and boffing like them, too. Never with them, though, 'cause that's not the way this storyteller rolls.

Harry developed more family-friendly Jarvey breeds, which had squeaky-clean vocabularies and a cuddling propensity that made them excellent companions. Snape bred the snarkiest of his breeding stock into familiar-sidekicks for Wizarding comedians. They rapidly made Wizarding ventriloquists obsolete. It was about time, really, because it was seriously creepy, watching grown wizards shoving their hands up dummy's arses to make them talk. Although that did make Albus somewhat sad, what with Cornelius Fudge having been his puppet for so long (AU, people!).

Ginny and Draco went on to become the first Wizarding porn stars. With the ability to create glamours, they were the only Wizarding porn stars needed. The Weasleys and the Malfoys, well, they finally agreed on one thing - Ginny and Draco were a disgrace to witches and wizards everywhere.

J. K. Rowling, it seems, decided that Muggle book, play and screenwriting were much safer than Age writing. She still has nightmares about Albus Dumbledore's robes. And Voldemort. But mostly, the robes. Ugh.

Thus endeth the tale of Harry Potter and his performing Jarvey. Next up on the WWN, Newt Scamander will regale us with stories of his adventures abroad, including an amusing anecdote about an organ grinder and his pick-pocketing, crotch-sniffing niffler.

Epilogue: "Marry You"

On a balmy Summer evening, we find Severus Snape and Harry Potter reclining on lounge chairs, enjoying a lovely sunset after dining al fresco. Harry wandlessly switched on some after dinner music, and waited. "This was going to be good," thought Harry.

(Snape's stunned inner monologue is beneath each lyric)

It's a beautiful night,

(It sure is.)

We're looking for something dumb to do.  
(I don't DO dumb.)

Hey baby,  
(Since when have you called me "baby"?)

I think I wanna marry you.  
(WHAT?)

Is it the look in your eyes,  
(Shocked? Perplexed? Dumbfounded?)

Or is it this dancing juice?  
(There is no such potion!)

Who cares baby,  
(You're talking marriage, I care, that's who!)

I think I wanna marry you.  
(I think we've established that!)

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go oh oh oh,  
(There is no such chapel, and your grammar is atrocious.)

No one will know oh oh oh,  
(Thestral shit, it will be in a special edition of the Daily Prophet!)

Oh, come on, girl. (I am not a girl.)

Who cares if we're trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow oh oh oh,  
(I am sober, our Galleons are in Gringotts, and just blow me!)

Shots of Patron,  
(Muggle liquor is so passé.)

And it's on, girl.  
(Severus Snape is no girl!)

Don't say no, no, no, no-no;  
(I won't, because I don't stutter.)

Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;  
(Severus Snape doesn't say "yeah", ever!)

And we'll go, go, go, go-go.  
(THERE IS NO CHAPEL!)

If you're ready, like I'm ready.  
(READY FOR WHAT? THE JANUS THICKEY WARD AT ST. MUNGOS?)

Cause it's a beautiful night,  
(Yeah, you said that - shit, I just thought"Yeah"!)

We're looking for something dumb to do.  
(Like listening to this song?)

Hey baby,  
(I am no one's BABY!)

I think I wanna marry you.  
(You are insane!)

Is it the look in your eyes,  
(Doe in the headlights?)

Or is it this dancing juice?  
(We are both SOBER!)

Who cares baby,  
"Again with the baby! Fuck the damn baby!"

(Uh-oh, I said that last bit out loud!)

I think I wanna marry you -

The song stopped abruptly.

Harry jumped up from the chair, and ran to the sliding glass patio door. Severus caught up with him before he could open it.

"Harry, what is this about? Why this song, and why NOW?"

Two Jarveys, one a flaming ginger and the other jet black, popped onto the deck the very instant Severus stopped speaking.

The jet black Monty, Lord of the Snark, skittered up Snape's left leg and chest, before perching on his shoulder

"Your a bloomin' idiot, Severus Snape! Our Harry here is in the pudding club, up the duff, preggers, knocked up, eating for two, in a family way -"

Queenie Bee, who was perched on Harry's shoulder, interrupted, to add her two sickles :

"Severus Tobias Snape, your mate is carrying kits and you had best do right by him, or I'll string up yer wedding tackle and let Monty here use yer balls as punching bags -"

The music resumed. Severus cast Legilimens and let his thoughts flow through Harry.

I'll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,  
-The Prince bonding rings are in a box in my sock drawer.

So what you wanna do?  
-I'll Floo Shacklebolt, he's a Minister.

Let's just run girl.  
-Again, not a girl, but the Burrow is a fine place to elope.

If we wake up and you wanna break up that's cool.  
-No, you are mine, bonding is for life.

No, I won't blame you;  
-I would definitely blame you, but not breaking up, so there!

It was fun, girl.  
-Holy friggin' shit, I. AM. NOT. A. GIRL!

Don't say no, no, no, no-no;  
-I am not saying no. Especially not four times in a row.

Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;  
-Will a simple YES suffice?

And we'll go, go, go, go-go.  
-If I must.

If you're ready, like I'm ready.  
-I suppose I'm ready to make your pert backside my personal playground.

Cause it's a beautiful night,  
-It is a fine night for a bonding.

We're looking for something dumb to do.  
-Not dumb. Predestined. Fated. Brilliant.

Hey baby,  
-Merlin's holey pants, we're having a baby!

I think I wanna marry you.  
-You better, I have to make an honest man of you.

Is it the look in your eyes,  
-Your emerald eyes are bewitching.

Or is it this dancing juice?  
-Potions can not make one dance!

Who cares baby,  
-I care, and I always will.

I think I wanna marry you.

"Will you marry me, Harry," Severus whispered.

The music stopped again. Ron, Hermione, Molly, Arthur, Neville, Luna, Minerva and Kingsley popped in, holding hands in a circle, led by Kreacher.

"Okay, everyone, let Harry and Severus into the center of the circle," Kingsley instructed.

The music started again

Just say I doooooo-ooo uhu,  
"If I say it, will you stop the song?"

Four mild stinging hexes zinged Snape's right buttock.

Tell me right now baby,  
"Was violence really necessary?"

Tell me right now baby, baby.  
"Okay, okay! I do! I do!"

Once again, the song stopped. Harry flung himself into Sev's open arms, before snogging him senseless.

"I now pronounce you husband and husband, and the offspring legitimate. Get a room, you two!"

The newly minted Potter-Snapes Apparated to their bedroom, where Snape spent a good hour rubbing Harry's tiny baby bump, before getting to marital business. In the lovely afterglow of their third coupling, Severus crooned:

"Oh, it's a beautiful night,  
We're looking for something dumb to do.  
Hey Harry,  
I think I friggin' married you."

"Is it the look in your eyes,  
Or is it this dancing juice?  
Who cares Harry,  
I think I friggin' married you."

The two Jarvey matchmakers snuggled at the foot of the wizard's bed. They decided to wait to tell their wizards about Fabio, the seer Jarvey's prophecy. Getting Snape married was difficult enough. Telling Severus that Harry was carrying a litter of four could wait.

Notes:

*Lyrics from "Marry You" by Bruno Mars.


End file.
